Archive of ‘брак’ category

kak mi zhenilis

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Как мы женились

Я хочу записать что-то, который случилось много лет назад– летом 2003 года, я думаю– до того, как мы были женаты, и это было частью истории, ведущей к нашему браку.

Я об этом довольно редко говорю.

В первый раз, когда Виталий сделал мне предложение (выйти за него замуж), я сказала «нет». Потому, что я была слишком напугана, чтобы сказать «да». Хотя на самом деле я хотела сказать «да». Но да, значит, рисковать многими вещами, и я не люблю рисковать.

Итак, пошло второй круг с этим вопросом, и мне нужно было решить, буду ли я говорить «да», и вытий за него замуж? Я действительно хотела сказать «да».

Раньше, кто-то упомянул о том, как Бог обычно использует узоры в том, как Он ведет нас. И я видела узор в моей жизни – когда у меня было огромное решение– что-то который только я могла бы различить правильное или неправильное это для меня (т.е. о чем-то не явно написано в Библии), наступал момент абсолютной уверенности. Я имею в виду какой-то внутрений явление Святого Духа, и я знала без единого сомнения, что если бы я сделала или не сделала этого (как личную волю Бога для моей жизни), это было бы грехом для меня.

Обычно это сопровождалось длительным, интенсивным желанием сделать это– интенсивным желанием, которое Бог не выполнил довольно долго.

Я помню, как это происходило, когда я много раз пытался приехать в Украину как миссионерка. Бог всегда так или иначе сообщил (никогда через обстоятельствах, которые обычно сообщил мне  противоположным) – Он сообщал моей душе, что ТЫ НЕ МОЖЕШЬ воспользоваться этой возможностью, и если бы я это сделала, я грешила бы против Его воли для меня.

Но однажды я получила электронное письмо с нужде преподавателя английского языка в небольшом библейском институте в Украине, и в тот момент я знала от Святого Духа, что это мой призыв … Ну, это был очень отчетливый тип знания.

Итак, лето 2003 года– Виталий. Я должна это решить. И я сказала Богу, что это такой серьезный шаг (выйти замуж), что я не могла бы это сделать, если бы Он не дал мне этого уверенного, отличного знания, что это Его воля.

И я постилась. В течение примерно 3 недель пила только жидкости или что-то в этом роде – вода. Я часами гуляла в лесу, слушала музыку похваления, и молилась о разных вещах.

И вот, настал тот момент, когда Бог служил мне через Его Святую Духу, и я знала, что я должна сделать это (жениться на Виталию). Я тогда жила в типичным, старым, украинским доме (даже стиральной машины не было). Я сидела на кухне, читая книгу Франсин Риверс Сад Лиоты, и это было в течение всех этих дней поста, и внезапно я ЗНАЛА. Я знала с этим уникальным знанием, что должна выйти замуж за Виталием.

Я стала на колени у своего стула и помолилась … что-то, я не помню, что.

Я вспоминаю все это потому, что вчера вечером я была очень, очень благодарна за это знание, за это верное руководство от Бога. Зная, что эта жизнь и все последствия для меня, и для наших детей– что все это не какая-то случайность или ошибка, или результат случайного или плотского решения.

В таких случаях, Бог также работает. Но вчера вечером я утешилась и укрепила себя с этми прошлым опытом, когда Он с увереннным голосом дал мне знать Его воли. Спасибо Тебе, Отец.

staying engaged, ie, keeping a soft heart

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So, relationships. (And this post assumes basically healthy persons involved, not abusive situations.)

This is an important relationship principle that I’ve notice with the gathering of years in marriage:

Keep choosing the soft heart

One miracle God did/does at salvation is trade hearts– He gives us a heart of flesh where once we had a heart of stone. God talks of this in a prophecy He spoke in Ezekiel.

“Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ez. 36:26

“”And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within them. And I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh.” Ez. 11:19

 

I know those are prophetic words, but the principle is a great one. In relationships, especially marriage, there are moments when we are tempted to harden our hearts towards the other person– to harden in a way that begins to permanently change the way we relate to the other person.

This is very dangerous. It’s a hardening, a closing of your positive, loving thoughts and emotions, a refusal to give your goodwill, limiting your connection, your friendship.

It’s so tempting because you feel so justified in doing it, so angry about something. But in reality, it’s walking into Satan’s plans for your destruction. It not how Jesus, the Relationship Master, walked.

One night the year we were first married, Vitaliy and I had argued about something, and we were laying in bed grumpy, back to back. And I was tempted to harden my heart. And I remember thinking something like, ok, so he makes me mad, but who else do I have to go to for comfort? So I made myself turn back over and hug him for comfort.

And it was one of the best precedents I could ever set. Because we’ve had to do that over and over. Choose to turn back, choose soft, choose to remain engaged and committed to friendship, to our vows to love.

In other words: Say No to Drugs Hardening Your Heart

And if you’ve hardened, God is the Master Softener. Really.

how we got married

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I want to record something that happened years ago, in the summer of 2003, I think, before we were married, that was part of the story leading to our marriage.

I don’t talk about this a lot.

The first time Vitaliy asked me to marry him, I said no. Becuase I was too scared to say yes. Though I wanted to say yes, actually. But yes meant risking a lot of things and I’m not a risk lover.

So, we were into our second time around, me having to decide if I was going to say yes. I really wanted to say yes.

But, someone had mentioned before about how God usually uses patterns in how He leads us. And I had seen a pattern in my life– when it was a huge decision that only I could discern right or wrong, that if it was right, a moment of absolute surety would come. I mean, some gift from the Holy Spirit that I knew without a single doubt that if I did or didn’t do this thing (as God’s personal will for my life), it would be sin.

It was usually preceeded by a long, intense desire to do it, an intense desire that God would not fulfill for quite a while.

I remember this happening as I tried so many times to come to Ukraine as a missionary. God would always communicate somehow– never through circumstances, which usually communicated the opposite–He would communicate to my soul that I WAS. NOT. to pursue that opportunity and that if I did, I would be sinning against His will.

But then one time I got an email asking for an English teacher for a little Bible institute in Ukraine– and at that moment I knew, from the Holy Spirit, that this was my call– Well, it was a very distinct type of knowing.

So, summer of 2003, Vitaliy. I have to decide this. And I told God that this was such a serious step that I would not commmit to it unless He gave me that sure, distinct knowing that this was His will.

And I fasted. For about 3 weeks, it was only liquids or something like that–water. I spent hours walking, listening to praise music, and praying about any number of things.

And then, that moment came when God ministered to me, through His Holy Spiirt, that distinct knowing that I HAD to do this something (which was marry Vitaliy). I was living in a basic oh-so-Ukrainian house, (There was no washing machine even.) I was sitting in the kitchen reading Francine River’s book Leota’s Garden, and it was during all these days of fasting, and suddenly I KNEW. I knew I had to marry Vitaliy.

I got down on my knees by my chair and prayed … something, I don’t remember what.

I am relating all this because last night, I was very, very thankful for that knowing, for that sure direction from God. For knowing that this life and all it’s repercussions in my life, my childrens’ lives, that all of it is not some fluke or mistake or coming out of a casual or fleshly decision.

God works just was well in those cases, too. But last night I was comforting and strengthening myself with this past experience of experiencing the surety of His will. Thank you, God.

Vitaliy priyehal domoy i moi zhizneni uroki

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Виталий приехал вчера– он неделю был далеко от нас, в Монголии.

Вечер был веселым– встретили, разобрались подарками, пили монголский чай (он же находиться на границу Китая).

Когда я вышла замуж за Виталия, я конечно не поняла все “последствия” нашего союза. И Виталий тоже не знал 🙂 Никто не знает! Кроме Бог.

И это хорошо.

Иногда, мне кажется, что я должна жертвовать слишком много из своих мечтов ради детей, и ради того, что я имею муж-евангелист. Он часто в разъездах, жизнь бывает очень спонтанно– трудно планировать.И еще и еще…..

Раньше, мои жертвы ради брака оказались для меня большие, тяжелие.

Но с годами, некоторые мыслил, факты, и истина мне утешают и направляют:

  1. Виталий очень много и для нас жертвует тоже. Это не только я. Он во многих тоже ограничивает себя.
  2. Вообще, я выбрала жизнь, которую я хотела. Мы миссионеры; я рада, что у нас 4 детей; я рада их обучать дома. И конечно, в этих решеньи есть то, что приносить мне неудобство. Это и везде.И с этими решениями, я должна отказывать от других вещей.
  3. У меня есть друзьи, которые работают, развывают себя не в рамке семьи. Им конечно легче, ни так ли? …. Кажется, что им тоже сложно– переживают о детях, имеют неудобство и жалоби с работой, чувствую что спешят слишком, что жизнь не такая, какая они представляли. Итог: Когда есть дети, получается по-любому, что надо много жертвовать.
  4. Служение и работа Виталия мне наполняет. Он часто мне говорит, что все его плода–это и мои плода тоже. Я очень рада для того, что он делает.
  5. Я учусь сосредоточивать на благословении и радости в этом моменте, на этот день, и не думать о том, что не имею и не делаю.
  6. Я очень рада, что я развиваю в сферах, которых я некогда раньше не думала. Это мне очень ценно

 

moi myzh = moya podryga

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Я очень рада, что мой муж хочет быть, так сказать, моя подруга. Он хочет обо всем, всем, всем говорить, и чтобы я тоже говорила ему обо всем–и он слушает и обсуждает и интересует в этом тоже.

Сегодня я планировала ежедневный график нашей школы, и он обсуждал это со мной,

но тоже, я рассказывала ему о том, как я ищу сейчас ответы на моей неудовлетворенности с нашей школе– идиалы и ожидании, которые я еще не достигла или не совместила с реальностью

Я читаю одну книгу сейчас о домашнем образованием, и важно, что писала ее неверующий человек, но она наблюдала и беседовала много с верующими людьми, которыми проводят с детьми школу дома.

Это книга поднимает и уяснить вопросы, которые долго меня мучает, и я очень рада. Дает мне  идеи и мысли, которые верующие не могли бы так спокойно, с боку, видеть и объяснить.

Мы говорили об этом долго, и Виталий дал мне свои идеи и мысли об этом всего, и слушал.

Благодарна, за него.

our latest international marriage adventure

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During our premarital counseling, we filled out a questionnaire. One question was something like this: “How do you view life?”

And for the answer, we had to choose A. Suffering B. An adventure C. (I don’t remember)

So, of course, Anne the American chose B, an adventure, and Vitaliy the Ukrainian chose A, suffering.

Our lovely counsellor (whose DIL happened to be Latvian, I think) didn’t hesitate and said something like, “This is a very cultural question!” And we dropped it.

Funnily, after living 13 years in Ukraine, I would probably also choose suffering, though maybe part of that is just growing up and experiencing/observing harder life experiences generally, not just the Culture of Injustice that exists in Ukraine.

ANYWAY. The point of all that is to say: Vitaliy was denied a visa to the U.S.! Twice. We were both shocked for a while, but the lady said that he should probably try applying for a Green Card.

So! suffering or adventure–a bit of of both or neither?!–it’s what we’re doing! Sticking this into the “what I never imagined doing in my life” file.

 

After sending off the first part, he took me out for coffee, and we had a helpful talk about my life which I will probably not blog about until I get further along in my internal processing.

on my paper, you see where I explained the “i before e except after c” rule (to spell receipt).

seeing God in political messes

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A lot of people are upset about politics right now.

It’s time to shine, Christian.

We’re feeling caught in political crosswinds ourselves, and I want to share God’s comfort and direction. Because it might be a word for you.

First, why can I talk to you about this? Vitaliy is Ukrainian, you know, and we’re planning a big trip to the States this fall and into next year. So, he goes to renew his visa two weeks ago, and lo and behold, it’s refused. I re-do his application, and he goes again. We have mega-loads of papers that are not even looked at. Both times.

It’s just “No. Perhaps you should try getting a religious visa. Or a Green Card.”

Is it Trump? Is it just an evolving political situation where governmental preferences about international personages morph?

I don’t know the answer to either of those questions, but I do know the answer to a more imoprtant question– that it’s ultimately God and His purposes.

There’s no guarantee that Vitaliy will get a Green Card, you know. So I’ve been laying myself down before God. Just laying down. Trying to listen.

And He speaks. He spoke through a Bible study I’m doing– that in this crisis of belief, He is acting out His plan, and I need to join it. Will I see all these next steps as Anne-sized jobs that just need to get done? Or will I see it as a God-sized work that will get done no other way unless He does it?

I’m shooting for the second option now.

And He spoke through Matthew 14– the beheading of John the Baptist. Sheesh, what a swirl of earthly whims and factors. A vengeful wife, a dancing daughter, a proud ruler who won’t modify his word.

It doesn’t even say in the text, “It was God’s time for John to die, so…” Nothiing comforting like that. Nada.  Just the sinful motives and actions of three humans colluding into John’s demise.

Jesus was told pretty immediately what had happened, and He went away to be alone, of course, like all of us would want.

But in the giant will of God, refreshment and comfort came in an entirely different way. Through amazing miracles and acts of God.

All in the same chapter, on the same or next day, look what happens: Jesus healed sick people all day, then fed thousands with five loaves and two fish. Then Jesus walked on water and so did Peter! “Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Then they landed, and it was another day of miraculous healings.

So, this visa. Or Green Card. Or nothing. This being caught in political whims, morphs, and crosswinds….

Help us refesh ourselves by seeing the work You have prepard for us.

If you’re feeling angry and frustrated with politics, I highly recommend lying yourself down before God. Lying down before news articles, angry people on either side, drinking down the wisdom of the age …. no. Lie down before God. He will raise you up to shiine.

A well-matched marriage

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Vitaliy and I went on a walk through the beautiful snowy woods today, and I was thinking about how well-suited we are for each other.

Maybe it’s because we choose to focus on the ways we match? Because, sure, there are ways we are different. But we both love analytical talking, theology– and we stretch each other in our thoughts, it’s not just repeating each other or arguing against ideas. It’s a growth in agreement and understanding of deep questions.

We both love mininstry. We both love living in Ukraine. We have grown to love our kids in very similar ways. We have gone through a major spiritual transformation side-by-side.

It’s a really sweet thing that amazes me sometimes.

Here are some probably sideways photos of birds we saw on our winter walk:

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Thank you, dear Lord.

Love

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I know it sounds cliche, or maybe just nuttyheads, but I actually used to worry about becoming too emotionally attached to Vitaliy. I’m not used to becoming emotionally attached to people in a big way.

But we’ve been together on a trip for 2 days now, and it’s been really sweet just realizing in a new way what an amazing friendship we have.

Yes, there have been times in our marriage when we’ve had “certain issues” we couldn’t calmly talk about (like money), so they became silence areas. But with time, even those issues have become talkable, meaning great talks with no arguments.

We’ve talked about a lot of things. It’s what we do for friendship and relationship. Vitaliy thinks other couples might do other things together to feel closeness, like sports or business, or something. For us, it’s talkingtalkingtalking. We analyze, philosophize, plan, theologize …

It’s become a deep, emotionally-fulfilling reservoir of a friendship. Probably the deepest friendship I have ever experienced.

I just wanted to enjoy and record these realizations.

20161205_103545_hdr 20161205_13463120161205_192552

progress

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I think I’m getting close to a resolution for this moment of searching and re-ordering my life. I have enjoyed this process, actually. I’ve learned a lot.

WIN_20151127_181519

One thing I did was use this site to take a personality test. The test was free, and I purchased the e-book about my particular personality type.

Oh. My. Word.

[enter a moment of speechlessness.]

I won’t get into everything. And I’m not going to tell you everything I wrote in my exploratory writing (you can thank me for that).

I had Vitaliy take the test, too. They actually have it in Russian. It explained him to me a lot.

It really helped me understand. A lot. About myself. About him. The booklet I read even gave tips about how the two of us can be married (it really recommended hiring a housekeeper, imagine that), and how I can have friends.

So, I’m not going to share most of it, but I want to say a few main ideas that helped me. We had a long conversation in the van yesterday, about having vision mostly. I come to vision as someone who is able to 1) see a future that is not in existence but is potential, 2) use my vision as a means to fill my inner need to express my core values through goals, etc., and 3) pretty eloquently talk about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, my ideas, etc. I really enjoy this process and live in it. It’s about as important as, if not more important than, the actual doing.

Vitaliy … does not really like the idea of vision. Though he has one. It’s hard to … get to it, because he just states it as a phrase, and that’s it. He doesn’t eloquently express or communicate well his vision. He also is put off by projecting his vision as a future plan. His need is fulfilled by what he concretely did in the past (for that vision) and what he sees himself doing concretely today for this vision. Well, maybe it’s not entirely true, because he does have one idea right now about his life vision; he just doesn’t pounce on the idea and mentally grow it to magnanimous proportions, as I tend to do. He’s waiting for the opportunity to perhaps “do” his vision in this way. He doesn’t need to nor enjoy dreaming about it.

 

From these realizations, I have a few helpful insights for myself:

  1. From this booklet– this thought was very insightful: “The battle for acquiring or maintaining the energy to go forward will be almost entirely decided in an Advocate’s thoughts.” (p.40)

That is a bingo. And hence, all my thinking.

2. In my exploratory writing about this, I wrote this sentence, and it means a lot to me. I think it’s a main thing I need to do right now:

“I would like to start appreciating/valuing that the time and commitment that I’m giving to my family (home school, missionary life) is being true to my core values.”

It helps me to honor that my life now, as it is, with all its seeming smallness and limitations, is me being true to what I value. I don’t have to be doing some big, out there thing in order for me to be true to my core values.

3. I am an idealist. My ideals highly motivate me. So, Vitaliy really urged me that, in home schooling, I need to develop that idealism and conviction. I need to let my idealism, individuality, and conviction grow and express itself. And I need to pray about this, I am praying about it now. … I have put off doing this because I honestly realize that home schooling is not for everyone, and I’m not mentally committed to doing it forever. … But it is for me, right now.  I have to be honest that I have other options, and this is what I’ve chosen, just like in birth. So as an idealist person, as I did home birth and unattended birth from my ideals and convictions, I need to do this with home schooling. I can have and fulfill my idealism without injuring, insulting, or judging others who don’t share those ideals. There. My intense need to be compassionate to others doesn’t need to override my intense need for ideals.

4. OK, in my exploratory journal writing, I realized that my past self-experience is making me nervous about becoming attached to my family life in this idealistic way  … because I feel like I have betrayed myself in the past. I have had ideas and goals that totally didn’t work. I really enjoyed them mentally, and they actually guided my life in good ways. But I don’t see “success” in them in the way I “envisioned” them. And I end up feeling trapped and frustrated by it.

So, in coming to my family, I don’t want to manically latch onto this “idea” and start dreaming up a bunch of stuff and then wreck the good things I have now already. I want to come to this in a wiser way. I’m thinking about this.

5. I want to learn from Vitaliy how to loosely hold a general vision and seize the opportunities to live it out as they come up. Vitaliy is good at doing things. I’m good at imagining and valuing things. But I end up feeling left in the dust because he’s actually doing things while I’m … just imagining things and going along with what he’s doing (and not attaching value to what I am actually doing). On the other hand, I am not Vitaliy, so the way I take up opportunities might look different, more studied or whatever, but I wrote in my journal: “I wish to be more adventurous and spontaneous. But in a planned and methodical way.” Ha! But one example– I want to be taking the girls to the children’s theater house more often. They do ballets and operas and neat-o stuff. But I don’t do it. Why? I need to find some way to do it, either spontaneously or in a planned way. And maybe I need to convince myself more clearly that this is one way I can express my core values– then I will find a way to do it.

OK, this is what I’ve come to so far.

🙂

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