Archive | June 2016

learning to “like” again ….

So, you know, I talked about how I want to learn to like my church again.


A couple things I’ve noticed. Stopping the evil internal dialogue has gone a long way. A long, long way.

And you know, to do that, God got serious with me. It was like He was communicating to me: Now is the natural moment that I’ve shown you this issue (your negative internal rehearsing of sins), and you need to stop it now at this natural moment of conviction/healing. If you don’t stop it at this natural moment of growth, things will go downhill in a bad way.

(hilarious skit:)

Second, years ago, when all this negative started happening … Anne, the individual, went into hiding. It was not time to talk about my secondary convictions, to show people who I am as a person, as an individual believer, to talk about the personal ways God was leading me to do such and such. It was a time of …. some hostility. And so, I just didn’t see any point of inflaming or entangling things with other life issues. I’m an avoid-conflict person, so I just hid huge, important-to-me parts of myself because I didn’t feel safe talking about them or sharing those parts of myself with my church.

So, in order to start “liking” my church again, I need to give myself the courage to be myself openly. Not in a brash, in-your-face, do-it-my-way kind of way at all. But more of, this is the good ways God’s led me, these are the deep things my heart cares about … kind of thing.

And, I’m starting to feel the safety, in my church, to do this again. To be uniquely who God made me to be, and enjoying their unique-nesses, too.

Third …. I think God has led me in a specific way to open myself up to making personal friends in church (with other moms). So I’m putting myself ‘our there’ for that possibility. We’ll see what comes of this, but I think overall, it will help me make church folks more able to see me as a person, get to know me, mutual enjoyment, etc. It’s hard for me to do, actually, because I like being alone. But, learn and grow! Learning to give up the comfort that I want to so carefully keep around me.

So, that’s where I’ve come so far, with nurturing a more mature “like.”

this pastor’s wife’s trauma

I always imagined myself a missionary. I never imagined myself a pastor’s wife. Never. Ever.

Warning; I need therapy, counseling, etc. Until then, I’m blogging. It’s cathartic.

Vitaliy was ordained as an evangelist in 2009, and he was *one* of the 3 pastors of our church. He was not the main pastor.


But then.


We came back to Ukraine (from a visit to America) around 2010, and while we’d been gone, our church had exploded.

I can’t write details. It’s like big-legal-trouble details. And the sad/key thing is that it all involved the informal and formal leadership structure of the church.

There’s a lot I’m not going to write (you can thank me) because I have, cyclically, worked through forgiveness issues. I will just say, it was a baptism by fire into being the main pastor and his wife. It was having to do *at least something* with unrepentant or sadly trapped leaders.

It’s been six years, and the fall out is still hanging around. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m pathetic.

But here’s my today thing: In order to grow normally spiritually, I want/need to start enjoying my church again. I’ve dealt and am dealing with the forgiveness, the patterns of rehearsing their sins in my thoughts. I’ve committed to keep a guard over my mouth and stop the damaging, internal dialogue. Now I really want to start just liking them all again.

So, how to go about nurturing and re-creating “like”? 😀 It’s a cool question. …. I may be back with more.

a dull post about war tactics

I’m not writing this to argue with anyone. I’m just sifting through my own thoughts on this, analyzing changes and adjusting to cultural changes. If you have more information or calm analysis, perhaps not opinion (esp. flaming), I would like to add it to the pot.

Because in America we don’t see soldiers in camouflage, pass tanks on the roads, hear war planes buzzing overhead or the staccato of gunfire …. we forget that America is at war. America is in a war. In the Middle East.  And though the average citizen rarely thinks about this, it actually is something we need to think through collectively. Because the tactics of war have changed in ways that now involve every-day citizens.

Throughout the ages, war tactics change and adapt. In the Bible times, it’s recorded that there was chariot warfare; that they slashed open pregnant women, tore down walls around entire cities, forced famines and droughts by besieging cities, cut off big toes and thumbs, took slaves, etc.

Closer to our time, war was with armies lined up on fields facing each other. (These days, that seems crazy.) Horses, swords, guns, cannons. Then guerrilla warfare involved small bands making attacks on the outskirts of the larger foe. And airplanes, bombs.It goes on and on.

Inventions change war tactics. Technology changes war tactics. War involves a lot of Public Relations, too, if you think of it, and the methods of PR change. (We were just looking at old Soviet PR posters, for example). The overall sensibilities of a culture influence war tactics, too.

So, we’re constantly changing when it comes to war.

In some ways, terror has always been a war tactic. Just the horrific sight of the enormous armies, their equipment, costumes, etc., is designed to make people afraid and capitulate to the demands of the enemy.

The reason I’m saying all this: America and especially France (and Britain? and others?) are in war. We are at war. (I don’t live in the States, so I don’t feel it in the same way, but in some ways, living closer to the warring borders, I become more aware of it.)

So, the general style of tactics used today by certain armies have been labeled “terror” by the western world. It’s interesting to stop and think about that word: Terror. Acts of war committed to incite intense fear in order to achieve the desires of the enemy.

Here are current war tactics we need to consider:

There’s more, I’m sure.

But my goal here.

My goal here is just to put the pieces together. So we can be more able to have conversations that unite, rather than that divide and anger. Or just not confuse war with irrelevant questions. Or let the news media lead us by the nose into whatever they want to be the hot political buzz of the day. Division is also a war tactic. And we need to be wise. None of us has all the information. Few of us are actually in a place to make and implement changes of which we so certainly speak. Power changes perspective. And humbleness is a powerful perspective.

It’s messy. There is no one right answer on how to deal with these new war tactics. It’s very messy. But it calls for a lot of working together and looking for both justice and mercy (in the immigration question, for example, which is also a long-time war tactic. How to balance safety of many with helping others? An eternal question.). It calls for clearing our minds and focusing on living out the love of God to the fullest extent we know how. It calls for the rising up of great men and women who can create and implement creative, compassionate answers for individuals and for large groups.

May God help us.

P.S. One idea I had as I thought about this: Maybe we should form prayer groups to pray for vulnerable men and women, that they not be recruited into the ranks of the army that wants to see them die a “hero’s” death. Pray for those vulnerable souls, that God would redirect them ….

some soldiers checking out at the grocery, as I write this post....

some soldiers checking out at the grocery, as I write this post….

жизненные целы

Многие годы, около 1-го января, я просто писала какие-то хорошие целы для нового года. Но, спустя неделя-два, целы, которые я написала, практически не повлияло на мою повседневную жизнь. За чем это сделать вообще?!

Но последные годы, этот ритуал начинается больше действовать в моей жизни.


Я заметела 3 хорошие вещи:

1. Я начала это писать на компьютере. Я сотворила папку “Целы” для этого. Я сейчас могу легко найти, и могу видеть и перечитать то, что я писала для предыдущими годы. Я могу анализировать свою жизнь: куда я иду, с чем я занимаюсь, что исполнилось но в другом время ….  почему я писала такие целы когда вижу, что мою жизнь туда на стремится, и т.д.

2. Я тоже могу сейчас видеть свою жизнь в больших кусков. На пример, следующие 10-15 лет, я буду в оснавном заниматься с образованием моих детей, и строить хорошое семейное отношение с ними вместе с мужем. Важно, что цели в других сферах соподают с этим.

Когда я вижу и понимаю, что эти годы имеют и начала и конец, мне легче эмоционально посвещать себе к этому работу– даже те вещи, которые мне не очень нравится. Потому, что я вижу, что есть целы которые я могу только сейчас, в этом переоде, достигать.

3. Я тоже начала открыть и читать свои целы хотя бы раз в месяц. В файле, я добовляю под цели, дата и как он исполнается или нет. Есть целы которые я прость выбрасиваю (не уделяю, но просто поняла, что мне не надо с  этим заниматся пока), и есть целы которые не исполяется, так как я хотела или как я думала, что Бог хотел, и я продолжаю об этом молиться. И когда исполняется, то я это пишу тоже!

И бонус: могу на перед планировать все праздники, важные событие, (семейные, церковные, сезонные), и т.д.

Это тоже очень большое благословение видить, как Бог меняет меня, мою жизнь, видить Его руку везде. Надеюсь, что Бог также вас ободряет через целями!