midlife crisis and growth

So I’m continuing my series about this. I want to say up front that I can’t share everything God is speaking to me because parts of relationships are wrecked if we make them public. But I want to share some things I can share.

First, I realized the Blah I wrote about in my last post also characterized my Bible reading and my feelings about God.

So when I realized this, I committed to God to not allow this to happen, by his grace. I wouldn’t let my relationship with him continue to stagnate or feel Blah.

God’s Word and God are not Blah. But God is showing me that I make them Blah. And He wants to enrich the way I relate to him.

I’m also learning how tired I am, and how I’d slipped away from refreshing myself in the ways I really need– because I feel a little guilty about *doing things for myself* and not always doing things for other people, I think.

My focus this year is Spiritual Disciplines, and you know, I thought that would mean exerting more self-effort to keep chugging along doing all those great expectations of things Christians are supposed to do.

But it’s turning out to be the opposite. Spiritual disciplines, when understood correctly, actually expose our self-effort. They actually begin with acknowledging that I can’t. I can’t transform myself. I can’t do all the right things and thereby make my life passionate or worthy. I can’t be fulfilled by doing good, wonderful things.

Spiritual disciplines are about humbling myself away from striving. It’s placing myself in positions where I stop talking and doing, and allow God to draw out my soul and create the relationship He wants. Only he is capable of being the leader and doing this.

This is one of the books that I bought about spiritual disciplines. I was feeling resistant to this book for a while, but I recently picked it up, and I’ve sucked it up like a vacuum, and now I’m going through it again. Her life experience meets mine, and she’s a few steps ahead– meaning, she hasn’t forgotten what it’s like to be in this stage yet (where I am), and she’s passed through it in a good way.

This is the part where I can’t share things God has done in my heart, but He did speak to me once again his word to me this year “Seek My Face.”

Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

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