Yes, I’m still talking about this. Actually, I process this a lot more with Vitaliy because I’m embarrassed to keep writing about it! I’m like, sheesh, can’t I get over it already? So we are discussing together the experiences of middle-aging.
Lately, the feeling of middle-aging manifests itself as “blah.” Blah about ministries and stuff I used to have Big Feelings and excitement about. Now it’s just …. blah. Why did I care about this? Can someone help me care again?
I’m tempted to quit things and start something new, something that surely will be exciting like things used to be exciting, right?
That’s probably Wrong.
And I had a revelation today. If you remember, the first part of my middle-life “crisis” was reconciling my unrealized dreams with the life that I have.
And I realized today, that if I had realized those dreams, I would now also feel Blah about them, too.
I’ve been groping about for God in this weirdness. And today He gave me some specific comforts.
I turned to Isaiah 40 because I wanted to re-read this passage:
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Because I was feeling a different kind of weariness. Not the physical-exhaustion weariness, but the Everything-is-Blah feeling of weariness.
I had written in the margin by this verse an earlier date and a note like: “I feel like this having little kids.” So today I wrote in the date and “I feel like this with middle life.”
But what I noticed, in my groping about for God in this weird experience: verse 27
Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
Do I think that, too? Do I think God is actually far away and distant, not seeing, not caring, turned off by my naval-gazing? or … is His hand specifically leading me through this experience?
Then, I was going through today’s Leading Little Ones to God lesson with Andre, and we read together verses from Psalm 139, and they also amazed and comforted me. Such familiar thoughts, but I forget to apply them in this context.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me. …
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
Also, HA! I read some articles about middle-life-aging, and I’m like, sheesh, so I want to record the wonderful things I like about my personal middle age.
- I have a wonderful marriage.
- I have wonderful relationships with my children and my relatives.
- My life is filled with things that I *value* doing, though some things, though I value them, I don’t *like* the day-to-day actual doing of it.
- I take care of myself, and my body is serving me well. I keep my stress levels in check.
- Our kids are at the ages and we are in the phase of life (middle age phase?) where we can travel for educational and ministry purposes, which I just lovelovelove.
So, here we are. Middle Age. Like Middle Earth??
Ha ha, just a little corny LotR humor there….