So, last week, I had a day or three of my depression cycle where I start thinking about 2 life dreams that I’m pretty emotionally invested in that … Aren’t Going To Happen (most likely). And then I start getting all poophead, wondering why I’m even alive, thinking accusatory thoughts towards Vitaliy (hello?), and being plagued by the question: What is the value of my life??
Going through this cycle is like peeling away the layers of an onion. It burns. It makes me cry. But I get closer and closer to it being gone. It’s gotten pretty small, actually. I’m surprised it even came up again. …. But it did.
And this time, just maybe?, I found the best answer. The answer that closes the issue and frees me to think new things.
What is the value of my life?
Stop asking that question.
Just stop asking it.
You are not capable of answering it.
I imagined some life where I was fulfilling these two dreams, and you know, I’d have the same question, the same struggles. WHAT I DO doesn’t answer that question.
God is the judge of it. He assigns value. And, walking in His Spirit, I do my stuff every day, and GOD GIVES VALUE TO IT. It’s valuable because I’m doing the will of God for my life.
I could go on.
I will spare you.
But, I’m nixing that question from my cycle– that question IS my cycle. It’s a dead-end question for me. For me, it is, I think, a question that arises from my pride, some desire to be *important* in the way I consider importance. God gives truer thoughts and better questions in its place.
Now I’m thinking about how to make a Third Thing— a life that is not Vitaliy’s, not mine, but a Third Thing that only the two of us together could make together. I will think about this quite a lot.
I’m also thinking about how to keep rechannel my emotional investments. How to see my future without feeling the loss of these two things and seeing something bright and good, something Other.
…. It’s interesting…..