I feel exactly like I’ve molted.
Today, in all this long process of analyzing my life, I feel like a new person is starting to come out.
First, a few days ago, I started thinking that I’m probably dealing with disappointment rather than depression. So I read a bunch of stuff about the difference between those two things and how to resolve disappointment.
Second, I am willing at this point to resolve disappointment, rather than live in bitterness or disillusionment. This is important. I’m not sure I always would have been ready for this. It’s been a years’ long process of getting ready for this.
Third, working through to humility and acceptance is giving me a renewed sense of hope and excitement about life.
I’m able to take with me (further into life) the good things I’ve learned and experienced in these “disappointment years,” like becoming a doula, having home and unattended births, and learning about gentle parenting. And now I can leave behind the things that are causing me disappointment, frustration, and feelings of unfulfillment– not becoming a midwife, why did I attend BJ? and XX? … And I can see and appreciate the connection between the frustrating things having led me into the good things I have now. My desire to be a midwife led me to great births and better parenting. Attending BJ and XX is exactly what led me to Vitaliy.
Accepting my life as I am now (rather than living in frustration of who I am not and what I am not doing) gives me joy. I prayed today, just excited that I am adult, that I have four kids, live in Ukraine, we home school.
I’m able to feel emotional value of those things in my heart! It’s so joyful!
I’m very thankful for all this, and I’m trying to hold on to these moments and not rush out of this. Next steps begin to crystallize.
Home schooling: I need to become my well-researched, non-conformist, confident self. So I’m in the process of becoming this. I’m reading, researching, being open to God’s leading.
This might sound stupid, but it’s important to me. I want to get my weight to a good place. I’ve regained 14 lbs, and it irritates me to death. So, this is one of the priorities of this next half of my life. Get those 14 lbs back off and keep them off…. Doing that.
Enjoying the moments. With little kids. Not all of them, but more of them. And to be an enjoyable person, not one weighted down by the past.
Another thing I realized was that the dreams I feel frustrated about– like not doing birth work and not doing certain ministries that I love– God gave me a sense of hope. That hey, my life is not lived yet. Anything can happen! But living this period well is essential to moving into a good future.