I don’t know why I blog so little these years. All the processing of my little-baby years is done, maybe? I don’t have the urgency to blog when I have FB?

I don’t want to just make this an FB post though. I want to make it a memory on here.

Today Skyla was working on her AWANA book, and she came over to ask me “what day was that?”

Me: “What?”

And she pointed to a question on the page where she had to write down when she trusted Christ as her Savior (or something like that, I don’t remember the wording in Russian).

Me: “You did that?”

Her: “Yes, that day in Magelan, remember?” (that’s the name of our mall.)

And I remembered. It was a day I read aloud something from Acts, I think it was Peter’s sermon in Acts 2, and Skyla was distressed by it. We walked to Magelan to sit together and read, and she started crying a bit and couldn’t speak well. And as I inquired about this, she said– “Because it’s TRUE!”

I don’t even remember the details of the conversation, but it was about the gospel and how God wants to save us, and I think she prayed– I have such a foggy memory of it.

But she sees that as the day she became a follower.

I don’t get all strict with dates and particuar prayers and phrases. But I just want to say I’m thankful for learning about this work of God in my child’s heart. I pray for them, for their salvations, for Christ to be fully formed in them– which is a lot more than just a prayer of salvation, you know, though it starts there often.

So I just wanted to record this act of God. And I’m thankful He gave me insight, so I partially see His answers to my prayers. I will keep praying.

my life as a garden, the next big step

Things are happening in my heart that I need to analyze and record.

(Just pass over this if your not into introspection.)

There are moments of spiritual growth when God just brings together lots of influences to open certain things to me. And it usually starts after years of preparation– years of being bothered by certain things.

So I’ve been bothered the last few years by lack of satisfaction in home schooling, and bothered by my struggle to forgive certain people in our church, well, particularly one person.

Years go by, I live my days, things happen, good things, but still, these two things have, as a pattern, troubled me. And I pray about them, do what I can, as God shows me.

Like the unforgiveness: months back, God showed me to just stop the thoughts, just stop thinking so much about this person/situation and giving it so much “air time” in my brain. Just. Stop. That helped a lot to clear out my mind and be able to not be focused on negativity.

With home schooling, I have been reading, studying, understanding more and more. But I’m still not satisfied by it or enjoying it.

Years ago, I went through this Big Deal with learning about child discipline–the years of preparatory dissatisfaction, then all the influences coming together to bring it all together and teach me something very transformative. And God brought me to this place of joy, where there is a lot of healthy, emotional satisfaction and joy in my relationships with my kids now, as a pattern.

So now, in church relationships and home schooling, I feel like God has done the years of preparatory work, and now He’s going to move into the transformation phase, and I need to write about it. So I can figure things out better, and analyze and enjoy the process.

Phillip Keller, in his book A Gardener Looks at the Fruit of the Spirit,” starts out by talking about types of soil in our hearts. Not just for salvation, but as Christians, the soil of our hearts for bearing the fruit of the Spirit.

And I start to see parts of my heart in the “road” soil he describes, the soil that has been tramped, tramped, tramped down and will not bear.

For example, I started to envision my relationship with this person in my church, and you know, my critical thoughts just tramp, tramp, tramp down the “path” between us. It is impossible for joy to grow in this relationship. It’s impossible for kindness to grow in the path of this connection. It’s impossible for meekness, self-control, goodness, faithfulness, and peace to grow where my critical, suspicious thoughts are tramping, tramping, tramping down the soil.

He talks about our amitions as things that also tramp down the soil. And I’ve been analyzing for a long while now why I am home schooling.  I’m fairly sure it is the will of God for me to be doing this, though we are open to other options. But for these years, this year, right now, it’s pretty clear that home schooling my kids is God’s will for me.

But just doing His will doens’t mean I’m doing it for the right reason–or maybe I could say I could do His will but for wrong or selfish reasons. I have my own little ambitions about home schooling, it seems. Like I have this fuzzy ideal in my head about what our home school should be, and I think that this is my ambition, to achieve this … feeling, or ideal. Where I am the center.

So my ambition is tramping, tramping, and the section of my life’s garden is not bearing peace nor joy.

So that is where I am right now. There are other threads of influence in these realizations:

Love is a major theme because of 1 Corinthains. 13– I spoke about this at a baby shower and from Keller’s book we’re going through how the qualities of Love in 1 Cor 13 match with the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. And how Love is the life of God, and the fruit of the Spirit come only as the actual presence of God (not like in a package separate from God).

polovina goda molitvi

В этом году, Бог вел меня не поставить планы для чтения Библии, но только сфокосировать на нашем отношении в молитвы.

Несколько лет, Бог вел меня сюда– год молитвы. Год учиться больше молиться.

Я сейчас в конце пятого месяца этого года. И за эти пять месяцев произошли некоторые из величайших событий нашей жизни.

1.) Молитва. 2) Огромные жизненные события.

Около третего месяца (марта), я поняла, что эти два фактори тесно взаимосвязаны.

Урок смирения для меня, что я молюсь с такой маленькой верой. Я начала думать, что вера “с горчичное зерно” –это значить, что у меня вера чтобы хотя бы писать просьбу на списке для молитвы, но мне кажеться, что потом я молюсь без ожидании и без вери, что Бог будет что-то делать об этом просьбе.

Но этот год– я вижу огромние движение Бога– очень занятый год.

Я хотела записать огромные-для-меня вещи, которые произошли в этом году.

  1. Мы добавили некоторые партнеры-друзей. У нас почти половина того, что нам нужно финансово. Это не звучит как что-то большое, но это был процесс видеть, как Бог ведет меня различными, личными способами, которые были действительно опрятными.

2. Мы подали заявку на Грин Кард Виталия …. Мы подумали, молились и решили не делать этого, но этот вопрос был написано в своем молитвенном списке и я «упоминала» его к Богу, прося Его руководства, и это направление пришло, когда отказывали дважди визу для Виталия. Мы тогда подали заявку на получение Грин Кард. Это большой шаг для нас.

3.Я написала небольшую книгу. Я даже не молилась об этом конкретно, но я думаю, что это больше связано с молитвой о том, чтобы быть более плодотворной духовно. В этой книге описываются реляционные, освящающие шаги, которые Бог провел в моих ранних годах материнства. Это все еще в редактировании. Я стараюсь не торопиться.

4. Мы с Виталием стали более открытыми принимать на опекунства (или усыновить) сирота. Я много лет молилась об этом. Я не знаю, будет ли это когда-нибудь или нет, но мы в этом году стали более открытыми и готовыми.

5. Мы покупаем квартиру – на самом деле квартиру, в которой есть достаточно места для всех нас (и еще нескольких)! Это меня поражает. Это было в списке, я упомянула об этом Господу, но я не верила, что это действительно произойдет. И удивительно то, что это произошло таким образом, что мы стали открытыми тратить деньги, чтобы иметь больше места, чтобы жить и рости.

6. Я попросила Клэя Кларксона о том, чтобы его книга «Сердечное воспитание» была переведена на русском, и он это делает! Прямо сейчас! Это так замечательно для меня! Эта книга оказала большое влияние на мое отношение к моим детям, которые действительно помогли мне стать более похожими на Христа…. Он даже хочет сделать соответствующий видео-сериал о книге, а также перевести другие книги!

7. Бог давал мне возможность свидетельствовать людям.

… Слава всевышому Богу. Все от Него, для Него, и к Нему. Дай мне, Бог, не искать ответы для себя, но искать Твое Царство и праведность.

Andrew Murray Domashnaya Shkola

Эндрю Мюррей Домашная Школа

Это новая философия образования!!!


Шутка 😀

Раньше, в этом году, я читала книгу Мюррей В школе молитвы со Христом, и я переписала в моей молитвенной тетради некоторые цитаты, чтобы молиться над ними. Одна их них:

Завладей моим сердцем и наполни его желанием прославить Бога через соединение [т.е., спасение], освящение и союз с теми, кто дан Тебе Отцом. (глава 27)

Когда я впервые прочитала это, моя честная реакция была, ой, не скучно ли это? Потому, что есть много более интересных вещей, о чем можно думать и к которым нужно стремиться, не так ли?

И следующие, я старалась быть более “духовным” и иметь хотя бы нейтральную реакцию на это предложеини.

Но потом я написала это в моей молитвенной тетради и помолась об этом потому, что разве это не то, что действительно интересует и действительно делает на земле Бог?!?! И Бог эти годи пытается научить меня быть Его настоящим другом, и интересоваться тем, что Его интересует, а не просто требовать, чтобы Он интересовался тем, что меня интересует.

(Бог так терпелив со мной!)

Завладей моим сердцем

и наполни его желанием прославить Бога

через 1) соединение [т.е., спасение], 2) освящение 3) и союз с теми, кто дан Тебе Отцом.

И когда я написала эту молитву, она вдруг сияла на меня, что это, это! является главным ориентиром для нашего дома в целом и моей домашней школи в частности – чтобы я и мои дети были спасены, освящены и объединены с Телом и Личностью Христа.

Тут ничего нового, но, как они нас учили, когда я изучала Творческое Писание, мы не пишем новых вещей, мы просто выражаем старые истины по-новому.

Бог закладывает фундамент, ребята! Мудрая жена устроит дом свой, и если Господь не созиждет дома, напрасно трудятся строящие его.

AMH: Andrew Murray Homeschooling

It’s a new philosophy, ya’ll.


That’s a joke 😀

Earlier this year, I read Murray’s With Christ in the School of Prayer, and I wrote some quotes down to pray over in my prayer pages. One quote is this:

Take possession of my heart, and fill it with the desire to glorify God in the gathering, sanctification, and union of those whom the Father has given You [the Son].

Weeks ago, when I first read that, my honest reaction was, man, how boring is that? Because wow, there are a lot more interesting things to aim for and think about now, aren’t there?

Well, then I tried to be more spiritual and have a neutral reaction.

But then I was also impressed to write that into my prayer pages and pray over it, because really, isn’t that what God is really interested in and actually doing on earth here?!?!  And God’s been working on my heart, trying to teach me to be His friend and be interested in what He is interested in, rather than just kind of demanding that He be interested in what interests me.

God is so patient, you know? Sheesh.

Take possession of my heart.

Fill it with the desire to glorify You

in 1) the gathering, 2) sanctification, 3) and union of those whom the Father has given You.

And as I wrote out this prayer, it blazed upon me that this, this! is the guiding plan for our home generally and my homeschooling in particular–that I and my kids will be saved, sanctified and unified with the Body and Person of Christ.

It’s nothing new, but like I learned in Creative Writing, we don’t write new things, we just express old truths in new ways.

God is laying the foundation, ya’ll. A wise woman builds her house, and unless God builds the house, the workers labor in vain.

my growth

I’m probably changing the most in these years, in the Lord, and it happens so quickly, that I want to grab a few moments to record some things I’m learning.

This year, God led me to not have any Bible reading goals or plan but to pray for an hour a day. I added in a bit of Bible reading and some Bible studies because I sensed the need to keep that in my heart, but I mostly try to keep really focused on praying. I don’t pray an hour each day, but I’ve prayed an hour most days, and many days something less than that.

I’m pleased and thankful with what God is teaching me through this. And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that other, big-for-me life events are happening during this year. Like having to apply for a Green Card for Vitaliy. Writing a book. And taking on a debt to buy our very own! apartment. (Much more to come on that, if it really happens. It’s all in the works still, and I can’t believe it until it’s a done deal.)

God is changing me through prayer.  Partly, I think because He’s using prayer to raise in me the awareness and understanding of the issues I’m struggling with in my heart. So I can give them over to Him to be transformed.

Like, I realized that I’ve been more focused on how I’m having to give up some life dreams I’ve had. And that I’m not really thankful and grateful to God for how He’s led my life.

This is horrific, because I have a wonderful life that I wouldn’t trade for anything! And I want to be so grateful for this! And I realized that GOD is more interested than I am in me being fruitful for His Kingdom. And He knows better than I how to give me a fruitful life.

And that’s exactly what He’s doing every step of the way.

He is also changing me through Andrew Murray. I’m reading and re-reading the book Humility. I’m glad I’m sowing the seeds of this in my heart. God will make it bear fruit.

I’m also reading Murray’s book “Rasing Your Children for Christ,” and that is so convicting that I need to take motherhood and these Child-Full Years and be more set apart unto that spiritual work. This is a constant battle for moms, probably through all earth’s history.

So today, convicted to be more diligent in the ways God was leading me to be, I started cleaning the kitchen, deep cleaning. And I enrolled Vika to help, then Andre and Una got involved, too, and it was really fun!

There are other things I’m doing with them more, too, like praying with them spontaneously and in planned way. This is something God is leading.

Oh, another thing, God is leading me into greater self-discipline in my eating. Even more than the Curves diet. It’s combined with a desire to put some anti-cancer practices into my daily life. So I’ve been doing things like cutting out dairy, drinking green tea, eating less meat and more vegetables, especially more cabbage family foods. Drinking 2.5 liters of water. Some juicing of carrots with barley grass and wheat grass. Stuff like that. I got most ideas from this book I’m reading:

So that’s an update/journal of my life right now.

giving up my rights

Years back, I did quite a bit of reading and writing and rolling around in thoughts about gender. It’s, you know, an issue today. And being placed in this time of history, it’s something I’ve had to wrestle with in my current culture. So, I have my own thoughts, opinions, and things I’ve worked out for myself.

But what I realized yesterday, was that I also have sin in my heart about this issue. I was in a (Russian) conversation yesterday online, and a guy was joking about women’s “nerves” and “hormones.” It was belittling. And immediately, my gender red light started flashing internally.

I tried to jokingly say that maybe war is also a result of men’s hormones, no? Well, hormones may be involved, but so are our sin natures.

Anyway, I think I did an OK job of controlling my words and not getting in to the issue deeply (talking with someone who’s just going to defend his own point is pointless). But I felt yuck about the conversation. And I was praying and asking God, why do I feel this way? I don’t see wrong in my words.

But it’s in my heart, I think. Irritation and inflammation in me rose up.

and that’s a signal.

That I have let this question become more important to me than it ought to be. Because why would I even consider hurting a brother over it?

And so I’ve been thinking about that, about how our culture teaches us that we have to fight for our rights. But God teaches us to follow Christ, who laid His down and died.

And here’s the thing. It’s not until I lay down and die to my right (my right to speak the truth about this), it’s not until I die to that, that I will ever be able to speak in a way that touches this guy.

If I have defending my rights/truth as the higher value of my heart, they will all know it, and my words and tone will show it.

But if I have laid down my rights, taken on the humility of Christ, then God, if and when He wants, will make a moment for truth and love to be spoken, maybe through me, maybe not, and to touch this brother in a transformative way.

It may never happen. There may be other issues God wants to talk to him about and not this one.

But I will lay down and die to whatever rights I think I have to hurtfully speak truth, so my own heart is not poisoned and my well of love polluted by valuing this truth in the wrong level of priority.

So help me God.

God is doing a new thing

The first week of January, God kept putting this thought in my heart and in my mouth, in English and Russian. I said it to 3 or 4 different people during that week talking about things from fundraising to having more kids or not.

I’m doing a new thing.

I want to remember this. Renewal is essential to growth. And now, the work of years is coming into “a new thing” in several spheres of my life:

  • Considering putting the girls into school is a new thing.
  • Moving out of childbearing years is a new thing.
  • Fundraising to 100% is a new thing.
  • Midwifery studying coming back is a new thing.
  • Cleaning out my relationships with some people in our church here is a  new thing.

God is doing a new thing in old things.

I looked up that phrase, a new thing, and it’s from Isaiah 43:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland… give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.

Yes, that I may proclaim His praise!

And, Lord willing, I’m at an age of maturity in the Lord when I can wait patiently to see the new things come to life in God’s perfect way and time.

molitva menyayet moyu zhizen

Около 4 лет назад, я почувствовала, что Бог начинает подталкивать меня молиться.

Я начала использовать молитвенную тетрадь Джины Гарланд. Но моя молитвенная жизнь была маленькой. И Бог хотел большего.

На протяжении несколько лет, Он просто вынашивал желание и готовность молиться. И в этот момент в моей жизни, Он начинает приносить все это в плодоношение.

Во-первых, Он научил меня больше о Себе, Он открыл глубину наших отношений, к моему пониманию Него, который не существовало раньше. И это помогает мне сейчас, чтобы иметь возможность расти в отношениях к Нему в молитве, чтобы увидеть, как молитву гораздо больше, чем просто проходить через списки просьбы. Что это действительно разговор со совершенно-желательном Бога, через Дух нашего Друга.

Во-вторых, Он положил ресурсы вокруг меня. Я немножко читали Бекки Тирабасси и Эндрю Мюррей …. около четырех лет назад. И тогда, я положила их в сторону, потому, что это было еще рано. Я тогда не поняла почему у меня не получилась, но сейчас вижу, что все нужные кусочки не были на месте еще. Но, ресурсы и учителя были готовые.

Третья часть, я вижу прямо сейчас– Он начал учить меня самодисциплину. Во-первых через диеты и физических упражнений, а затем в сборе поддержку и домашнего обучения детей, и теперь, в молитве.


Я недавно начала использовать план Бекки Тирабасси, чтобы помолиться за один час в день в письменной форме, и с помощью ее ежедневника.



Это практика поднимает мои отношения с Богом на другой уровень. Приходя к Богу с открытым сердцем, прося у Него, за что я могла бы славить Его сегодня,, в чем мне нужно признаться (грехи– и пока эта часть самым преобразующей), с просьбами о нуждах и жизненных вопросах, и научиться слушать Ему (и Его идеи для меня).

Я начинаю с чтения главы в книге Бекки и в книге Мюррея (Со Христом в школе молитвы). Затем я начинаю свой телефонный таймер в течение часа. …

Вау. Спасибо тебе, Господи.

prayer changing my life

About 4 years ago, I felt God start nudging me to pray.

I got into using Gina Garland’s wonderful prayer notebook (check her out on youtube). But my prayer life was small. And God wanted more.

For years, He simply nurtured the desire, the readiness to pray. And at this point in my life, He’s starting to bring it all into fruition.

First of all, He taught me more about Himself, a depth to our relationship, to my understanding of Him that didn’t exist before. And this helps me now, to be able to grow in a relationship to Him in prayer– to see prayer as much more than just going through lists of requests. Even more than ACTS, for example. That it’s really a conversation with an utterly desirable God, through the Spirit of the Friend.

Second, He put resources around me. I tinkered with reading Becky Tirabassi and Andrew Murray …. about four years ago. But I set them aside, because it wasn’t time. I didn’t understand why, the all the pieces were not in place yet. But, the resources, the teachers were there.

The third piece I see right now, was teaching me self-discipline. First through dieting and exercise, then in fundraising and home schooling, and now, in prayer.


What I’m doing right now is Becky Tirabassi’s plan to pray for an hour a day in writing, and using her journal.



It’s taking my relationship with God to another level. Coming to God with an open heart, asking Him what I should praise Him about today, what do I need to confess (THAT has been the most transformative so far), asking faithfully and expectantly about needs and life issues, and learning to listen to Him, to His ideas for me.

I start by reading a chapter in Becky’s book and in Murray’s book, With Christ in the School of Prayer. Then I start my phone timer for an hour. …

Wow. Thank you, God.