I want to write something down somewhere where I can find it later. That means here.
With years of life and experience with God, things just get really interesting.
Someone once told me that God often has patterns of how He leads a particular person. For me, that pattern has been like this: When I have a huge, life-altering decision to make, there are usually 3 factors: 1) longstanding, huge desire, 2) this desire is unfulfilled for quite a while– the suffering purifies somewhat, 3) a moment when I know, from the Holy Spirit, with no doubt (because there are times where I think I know, but there is doubt) that this particular step is God’s will (conviction).
I was reviewing this again in my heart because last night Vitaliy and I (and 4 other couples) shared extensively about how we met, our thoughts towards marriage, steps toward marrying this particular person, God’s leading, etc. (We were talking to the singles group.)
And God talked to me a bit last night. I’ve been going through a few months where I don’t feel emotionally invested in God. I’ve been praying about how to …. “fix” this. Though I realize by this point that it’s not always something I need to fix as much as just grow through and ask God to please do His will in our relationship.
So, that’s the back story to last night.
When I got married, I deleted the third point from my future. I think/thought: oh, now that I am married, I don’t need to expect God to give me a sense of conviction/surety about something– I have a husband now, and certainly God will not personally talk to me nor lead me in this way anymore.
When I started studying midwifery (about 2009), this was a big issue for me because … studying to become a midwife is a life-altering thing. And I didn’t wait on God for that sense of conviction (even though the first 2 factors were there). I just figured God wasn’t going to lead me in that personal way any more.
After 12 years of marriage, last night, God asked me to rethink that assumption.
The thought came to me like this: I gave you a husband who lets you / wants you to hear from Me personally.
So, this might be part of my present … emotional dryness….