So, I’m working through this, some days more than others.
My thoughts from today and yesterday.
One of my temptations during this time of searching is to try and find an answer too fast. Or to make an answer up through busyness. Example: A couple weeks back, I had this idea to start attending our elder pastor’s wife’s women’s Bible study. It meets on Monday evenings. She has, over the years, brought so many women to the Lord through this, I thought I should attend too and learn from her. The weeks go by– Monday evening is not working for me. Brothers’ Meeting is also right then, that Vitaliy sometimes attends. Then Skyla and Vika go every Mon evening to singing group practice with some other kids from church, to practice for Easter (May 1). There’s a gal from church that likes meeting with me that evening while her husband is also at brothers mtg, and that’s a valuable relationship. …. So, it’s been a bust so far, trying to find new purpose or meaning in attending that group because I can’t get myself there ……
My current idea is to attend the teenager group that meets Sundays at 4pm. Maybe I can be useful there? They are taking a camping trip to the Carpathian Mtns this summer, and Vitaliy thinks we could go, too. Maybe that will be something I can do.
But you see what I’m doing. I’m trying to find value for myself by doing or achieving something. And while it might be true that God wants me involved in some new ministry, if I go into it looking to fulfill my own internal need, then it will not be as free and fruitful and *right* as if I come to it from a place of fullness and overflowing in God.
So, that’s one trap I’m trying to avoid.
A second trap I’m trying to avoid is resentment and selfishness.
Because in analyzing all this, it’s very easy to feel like my life has become the sum total of facilitating and adapting to other people’s lives– namely my husband’s and children’s. First of all, that’s not really true, even though at moments I want to feel like it’s true and get all huffy about it. Second of all, maybe it’s actually a good and healthy way to see those aspects of my life…..
Jesus had specific goals to accomplish in His life; He had meaning and purpose. But from one angle, you could say that His life was the sum total of facilitating others’ lives– He created us. He healed us. He led and taught us. He lived a righteous life to facilitate our salvation. He died for us. He left us so the Spirit would come. He lives interceding for us now.
But I don’t think He feels resentment that His life is the sum total of facilitating and adapting to others’ lives. He is fulfilling the great and eternal purposes of God. He is exalted in all this.
So somehow, I need to learn to see and value my “facilitating and adapting to others’ lives” as Christ did. I’m not there yet– I think it’s an internal comfort and confidence that the Holy Spirit has to teach me and lead me into. I’m not there yet. But, I’m trying to avoid the trap I see before I learn it.
Thirdly, I’m trying to avoid emotionally disconnecting from Vitaliy. When I am searching, I tend to withdraw until I have the answer figured out. It’s hard for me to verbalize my processes. (Now, writing is helping me a lot– it has been my go-to all my life.) But I’m trying to keep it also verbal with Vitaliy and keep myself open to his presence with me during this searching. And he’s good about not forcing his answers, just listening, commenting on something. These things, in themselves, are skills we have both learned and are still learning in our relationship. It wasn’t always so. I’m thankful for this.
Some positive things I have realized during this:
First, I want to be braver in my home schooling. When it came to birth, I was really brave, in a good way, able to do what was good for our family and not just be pressed into the mold that society has created. I am so not that confident about home schooling. … But, since I personally have been led to home school, I would like to become braver at making it what it should be for our particular family. I want to think through the benefits we personally have to pass along to our children. One is having a tri-lingual environment. I want to think more about how to capitalize on that. Another is our traveling, multi-cultural lifestyle. It’s very educational in its own ways, and I want to build on that. …. More thoughts will come on this.
Second, I am coming more and more into a place of peace about not becoming a midwife. … This has ridden my back for years. … I might still actually come back around to it one day. But at this point, I’m ready to be happy with the role that this desire has played in my life, and I’m not interested in pursuing it more. (A little Konmari Method there, mentally, though I’m not ready to give my books away– I’m still a life not completed! :))
Thirdly, taking care of myself physically will probably take more priority in my own mental priorities than it has in the past. *Growing older* things are *actually* happening to me 🙂