So I was writing yesterday about my life questions, and I want to remember a conversation I had recently with Vitaliy.
Well, a weekend or two ago, we attended a missions conference, and that’s what makes all these questions come to the surface again, but now it’s all after 20 years of living (instead of how I used to deal with issues before having lived 20 years of life, marriage, kids, etc.) So, I’m trying to ask smarter questions of myself and of God, for one thing, as I move through this time.
Anyway … so I was telling Vitaliy about how I don’t understand certain things in my life, things that look like starting and quitting or failing and stupid dreams– for what?. Mostly things from having kids that had to be put away, the constraints of marriage, and stuff like that.
And … he almost got mad at me. He was pretty upset that I cannot see and value my life as it is. He is emphatically sure that all the fruit of whatever life/ministry he has is directly shared by me. And do I not realize all the words I’ve said to him that then come out of his mouth when he’s counseling other people? And do I not realize how much it affected his life to have caught himself his last two babies– and whose idea was all that??
So anyway, how sweet is that.
But I don’t believe it. I mean, on a logical level, I understand and agree with what he’s saying. But at an emotional level, I don’t feel like it’s true. I don’t value it in a way that has meaning for me.
It’s the issue of my expectations of my life compared against what my life really is. If I can reframe my expectation of my life as simply doing the will of God– then that is something I can connect to emotionally over time. And it’s connecting to God Himself through His Spirit, in order to live it out.
And in analyzing my life looking back, I see that God has valued more His ability to sanctify me through what I’m doing. He doesn’t so much value that my life it looks like I’m doing a big thing in the world.
So how can I guide myself into emotionally valuing doing and being God’s will? (as opposed to my current default of assigning emotional value to some other perceived achievement) …
Need to think about this with God.